Not with haste

I’ve been really getting into Mumford & Sons recently, & one of my favourite songs of theirs is ‘Not with haste’.  It’s such a beautiful love song :).  This is how the chorus goes:

These words describe quite well what I think true intimacy looks like.  I believe intimacy is not so much about completing or complementing each other, but more about synergy.  It’s a means by which someone more fully discovers who they really are, & who another person is, & they empower each other to really ‘be who they are’ just by being themselves.  & as this takes place, the couple find true freedom.  It makes me sad when I hear of relationships where someone is controlling or overly protective.  Of course, a bit of jealousy is good in a relationship, as it means that you care enough about someone that you are committed to protecting the relationship.  But relationships also need a lot of trust, otherwise they can become suppressing, when they are meant to be liberating.  & when 2 people start to become who they were meant to be, & work together for a common purpose, then they’ll find a synergy that enables them to pursue their dreams until they come to pass.

To me, ‘We will run & scream; you will dance with me’ talks about an excitement, joy, closeness, etc. that cannot be contained, & has to be expressed in some physical form.  Running can also refer to having energy to really go for it in our journey of life.  You’ll need to both be going in the same direction in life to run together.  “Love does not consist in gazing at each other but looking outward together in the same direction.” (Antoine de Saint-Exupery).   I think it’s important to choose a partner who has the same purpose in life; the same heart-cry as us, so that he/she can spur us on & synergise with us on our journey (& vice versa).  I guess a tandem bike is a good analogy- both people on the bike should have the same pedalling rhythm, otherwise one person holds the other back.  If you cycle by yourself it’s a lot easier to pace yourself & to know how much you can push yourself without overdoing it.  But on a tandem bike you need to communicate & be tune with each other, so that you can give your best without either of you burning out.  I’ve only been on a tandem bike once, but I did find that we were able to go faster & it felt almost effortless (until we crashed & then a brake pad was rubbing against the wheel for the rest of the journey :P).  When I say I’m looking for a man whose heart beats as one with mine, I can compare that to 2 people on a tandem pedalling together.  My desire is to find someone who also lives for the pursuit of love, that we may help each other learn what it really means to love God & others.

At first I wasn’t sure about the last bit: ‘They’ll heal our scars; sadness will be far away’.  I know that relationships can be extremely hard, & that even the best of relationships will have times of sadness & hurting.  But I’ve realised that though relationships are the cause of many ‘scars’, the only thing that can bring true healing is God’s supernatural love.  So though relationships can wound, if true love is there then healing also comes.  & this love brings true joy & the ability to come alive even in times of sadness & hardship.

The part of the song that spoke to me the most was the last line: “I will love with urgency but not with haste.”  What does that mean?  I guess there have been many times when I loved with haste; when I’ve given my heart too quickly to someone before I knew them well enough.  I now realise that hasty love is not real love, as real love cannot be rushed but grows gradually.  Hasty love is based on emotions; you rush into things because your emotions are so high & you let them carry you away & take control.  But real love will remain when the feelings go away, when times get tough, when you end up hurting each other, etc.  & it’s only then when you discover whether or not you really do love someone.  So as hard as is it, it’s much better to take things slow in relationships & not give your heart away too quickly.  But that doesn’t mean we should hold back our love in any way.  To ‘love with urgency’ is the essence of what I mean by the pursuit of love- to love love love with all that is within us; to try not to miss any opportunity to share our love with people.  You never know, today may be your last chance to show your love to someone, as life is short & situations can change so suddenly.  It’s so easy to take things for granted & forget how frail & fragile our lives are.  I want my love to be reckless- to not count the cost but to keep giving without holding back.  The only thing I wish to hold back is full intimacy, but only in order to save it for the one who I can fully love, & who can fully love me.  Intimacy was created as a way of expressing love, but intimacy is not the same as love.  We have to learn to truly love before intimacy can have real meaning.

When 2 become 1

It seems that sex is still quite a taboo subject for Christians.  It has a reputation for being a dirty, sinful thing.  But actually, the bible makes it clear that God created sex, for the purpose of 2 people becoming ‘one flesh’.  But why did God create sex?  & why does He seem to want to deprive us of sex, even though our desire for it can be so strong?

The purpose of sex & marriage

“The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”… So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; & while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs & then closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib He had taken out of the man, & He brought her to the man. The man said, “This is now bone of my bones & flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” That is why a man leaves his father & mother & is united to his wife, & they become one flesh.  Adam & his wife were both naked, & they felt no shame.” (Genesis 2 v 18, 21-25).

I believe marriage is a physical representation/metaphor of a spiritual mystery- a relationship between us & God.  I think the most important aspects of both these relationships are intimacy & covenant, which I’ll explore further in subsequent blog entries.  Romantic relationships also give us a context to start learning what it means to truly love, though this only happens when couples are willing to stick it out against the odds.  The bible says that mankind was created in the image of God, & the first woman was ‘taken out of man’.  No individual can fully reflect what God is like, so God created marriage as a way of 2 people ‘becoming one’, & together they are a fuller reflection of who God is.  I believe that when 2 people truly become one, then their spirits & souls fit together in such a way that it has a synergistic power, empowering them both to be all they were created to be.  Another important aspect of marriage is having children, & though I don’t think this is compulsory, I think it is best for children to be brought up by 2 parents who are united together & support each other in love.

So where does sex fit into this?  I believe that sex was created as a way to make the mystery of love & intimacy more tangible to us.  I see sex as an attempt to express a love & a closeness that is inexpressible.  It was created as a physical representation of complete intimacy; of 2 people being so close that they become as one person.  Sex aids in maintaining this closeness by strengthening the bond between the couple.  But if that bond is broken, it can be incredibly painful.  So this is why God intended for sex to be kept within marriage; this was to protect us, not to deprive us.  We shouldn’t take marriage lightly either; we ideally should find someone who we become emotionally, mentally & spiritually one with, before we become physically one with them.

Sex in our culture

So I think sex was intended to bring glory to God, but it has been distorted & cheapened so much in modern culture.  It’s often seen as simply a bit of fun, or a basic human instinct that needs to be satisfied.  Sex seems to be no longer about expressing love, but about feeling good.  One thing I really dislike about our culture is the huge pressure to be perceived as ‘sexy’, as this appears to be what dictates our worth.  Lust is accepted & entertained, even though it reduces people to objects of pleasure, thereby stripping them of their real worth.  As much as I disagree with this, it’s hard not to get sucked into the mindsets of my culture.  There are still people who would only have sex with someone who they ‘love’, but many don’t understand what real love is.  It is very easy to believe you love someone more than you do, especially when sex is involved.

Sex can be very pleasurable purely on a physical level, but I believe that sex without real love falls far short of what we were destined for.  So many people settle for cheap thrills & shallow intimacy, when we were meant for so much more!  So long as your own happiness is your priority, you miss out of the greater pleasures that come from being truly intimate with another.  Now I want to make it clear that I’m not judging anyone for the choices they make regarding sex.  I’m just as guilty as anyone of seeking after pleasure, & find it so hard to resist temptation.  But I believe there is a better way, & as hard as it is, I’m determined to pursue the way of real love.

Godly sexuality

So how can we go about saving sex for marriage, when the desire for sex is in our biology, & we live in a sex-obsessed culture?!  I don’t think there are any easy solutions, & there’s a lot of advice around that may or may not be helpful.  I believe that the main key to resisting temptation & saving sex for marriage is more about our attitude than about following certain rules.  We need to stop believing the lies that our culture teaches us about sex, & renew our minds with the truth.  I believe sex is meant to be so much more than a cheap thrill; that it is such a precious & beautiful expression of love & passion in the context of true intimacy.  I believe we’re called to be passionate about holiness, purity & glorifying God in all we do.  Now that sounds really scary & counter-cultural to me, but I guess following God often is!  Our ultimate goal should be to glorify God in all we do, & if we are not glorifying God behind closed doors, then we’re gonna have an awful hard time doing so in public.

A lot of Christians seem to think that we should suppress our sexuality until we get married (& if you can’t wait then get married!!).  Unmarried Christians can often feel guilty & ashamed about their sexual cravings.  Though I agree that sexuality should be protected, I don’t think it is something to be ashamed of or necessarily suppressed.  God created it to be a good thing!!  So I have been exploring the question of how a single person embraces their sexuality in a godly way.  I’ve concluded that godly sexuality is all about love, but not just romantic love.  This is a love that puts others above ourselves, & above our sexual cravings.  It glorifies God & reflects who He is, as God is love.  The focus of godly sexuality is relationship, not sex.  I think godly sexuality for singles is not so much about suppressing their sexuality, but expressing it in non-sexual ways.

Non-sexual sexuality?!  How does that work?!  I think sexuality is not just about romantic love, but also love for one another.  I think the main way of expressing godly sexuality is by sharing a level of intimacy with our friends.  I think this is very important.  If you are deprived of intimacy, then when someone sweeps you off your feet, you’re much more likely to rush into full intimacy.  God never intended for us to starve ourselves of all intimacy until we’re married!  Another idea I had was to experience pleasure in non-sexual ways.  There are many things that bring us pleasure besides sex!  I suggest finding out what you enjoy doing, what you’re passionate about, what makes you come alive, & do those things regularly.  You can find out more about experiencing life fully in my ‘Life to the full’ blog entry.

But I think the most important thing of all is to stay constantly connected with God.  God is faithful & will give us strength to resist temptation & stay pure, but only if we rely on His strength, not our own.  “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, & do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him, & He will make straight your paths.” (Proverbs 3 v 5-6 ESV).  The great thing is that God can connect with us in pretty much all we do, if we have an open heart.  I often find it hard to pray or read the bible, but though these are important ways of connecting with God, they aren’t by any means the only ways.  It often feels like God pursues me; He can connect with me in any situation, in whatever I’m doing.  He connects with me in the exciting & in the mundane, in the laughter & in the tears, in the times of blessing & the times of heart ache, in time spent with others & in time alone (though in reality I am never alone).  I’ve found that the greatest pleasure of all is found in knowing God (Philippians 3 v 8).  So though I’m single, it doesn’t mean I’m missing out.  Sex can be very pleasurable for our body & soul, but loving God is the only pleasure that reaches to the deepest parts of our spirit, soul & body.

The blessings of singleness!!

With Valentine’s Day coming up in a few days, I thought this would be a good time to encourage those of us who are single, as Valentine’s Day can be pretty difficult for us.  Sex & relationships are put on a pedestal in Western culture, & if you’re single it’s expected that you are lonely & unfulfilled.  The only perceived attraction to singleness is that it gives you ‘freedom’ to live for yourself & to have some ‘fun’ without commitment.  & then on Valentine’s Day it can feel as if those in relationships are rubbing it in the faces of the singletons :P.  So I wanted to share my experience & the things I’ve learned from being single, in order to bring hope & comfort to others struggling with singleness.

It’s now been almost 3 years since my last relationship, & I’m at the stage of life where many of my friends are engaged/married/in long-term relationships.  & to make things harder for me, loneliness has been very much part of my life from a young age, & I’ve never been fully able to shake it off.  So I used to hate being single, & was desperate for a man.  But I’ve discovered that this time of singleness has helped me in so many ways, & that though it’s been very hard, I’ve also been very blessed through it.

Statue at St Pancras International station, London.

Why wait?

Nowadays many people don’t think that ‘the one’ or ‘Mr Right’ exists.  Others think the right one for them may exist, but are willing to try others out first, & perhaps they’ll stumble upon the right one.  I believe that for those of us who are called to marry, that we each have someone who we were created to be with & who is right for us.  That may seem a bit idealistic, but I do believe in a good God who loves to bless us abundantly.  Psalm 84 v 11 says that God withholds no good thing from the righteous, so surely that includes a partner who is right for us, right?  But it has often felt that God has withheld this from me, as marriage is something I wanted more than anything else.  I felt God wanted me to wait patiently for Him to bring the right man to me, but I hated waiting.  In my impatience & desperation, I pursued relationships, even though I knew the time wasn’t right.  I made lots of mistakes along the way; I’ve broken a heart & had my heart broken.  But I don’t live in regret, as God has shown His faithfulness & taught me so much through it all.  But now I wish to learn from my mistakes; I want my whole life to glorify God, including my love life.  I’m fed up of screwing up relationships, of breaking hearts & having my heart broken.  I want more than shallow intimacy & immature love; I want deep, genuine intimacy & love, & I no longer wish to compromise on this.

So that’s why I’m waiting, but why does God make us wait?  I now realise that it was beneficial for me to wait; I needed the space to deal with my heart issues & negative mindsets.  In particular, God has been helping me deal with my loneliness issues, & I discovered that they stemmed from my belief that no one truly loved me.  So God has been using this time to connect with me in deep ways, & He kept trying to get His love through to me, so I can finally learn to receive it.  This has allowed me to also start learning what it is to truly love, & my heart’s desire became less about receiving love, & more about giving love.  God was also teaching me to trust in Him, & not in a man, to satisfy & complete me.  Jeremiah 17 v 5-8 contrasts the consequences of trusting in man & trusting in God: trusting in man leads to dissatisfaction & loneliness, but trusting fully in God leads to abundant satisfaction, & being able to thrive & bear fruit even in hard times.  I have too often tried to find satisfaction in the wrong places, which is like digging cisterns that break & cannot hold water (Jeremiah 2 v 13).  I so often forget that there are springs of living water within me that never run dry (John 4 v 14)!

One thing about my faith that I’ve really struggled to get my head round is this: how can we find everything we need in God, yet at the same time also need people?  Finally I’ve had some clarity- God does provide for all our needs, but He often chooses to do so through people.  He puts specific people in our lives to fill particular needs; God may place different people in our lives for different seasons, but some people may be more constant in our lives.  So technically I don’t *need* a husband, but at the same time I do, because God has chosen to fill certain needs of mine through my future husband.  But in the meantime, He has partially filled these needs by various other means & people before I find my man.  So having a man in itself (even the right one) is not enough to satisfy my deepest needs; I need to keep God at the centre of my life & my relationships in order to be truly satisfied.

Being single has also given me more opportunities to develop deeper relationships with my loved ones & to make more friends.  I’ve had the space to know myself more fully, to discover my passions & what makes me come alive, & to determine more precisely what I’m looking for in a man.  I’ve also been learning to live life to the full, & finding that I don’t need a man in order to have a full life.  I’ve found that being proactive & willing to come out of my comfort zone has led to many positive experiences that have enriched my life.

So to conclude, being single has been very difficult for me, but it has been a time where I’ve gained so much revelation & wisdom, which have brought me a lot of joy.  I encourage all you who are single to use this time to get to know yourself more deeply, really connect with God & your loved ones, & seek to live life fully regardless of your relationship status.  Life is too short to be moping around because you’re single, & it is possible to be fulfilled without having a significant other.  Seek to learn what it is to truly love, & to embrace all who you are.  Don’t sell yourself short, but be assured that you deserve the best person for you, & that he/she is worth waiting for.  & trust God that He’ll give you the desires of your heart as you delight in Him (Psalm 37 v 4).