In my last blog entry, I wrote about my desire to pray against injustice & seek God about what I can do about it. I anticipated that this time of Lent would be a time of preparation, where God would reveal more of His calling for me & increase my heart for serving Him & others. I also felt that this would be a time of breakthrough in my life. Lent has been both very difficult & very beneficial, as God has been working in me & teaching me a lot. There were many times where I struggled with stress & despair, mainly related to the PhD, because I have less than 6 months left to finish. I have very few positive results, so I’m attempting to keep working hard in the lab plus write my thesis in my spare time. But in spite of this, I had a lot of really good prayer & worship times, & God’s presence kept breaking through in the midst of my struggles.
On the zip wire at Hope Fest.
I had been seeking revelation about what my calling is, & where my research fits in with this. I keep struggling to remain passionate about my work, but now one of the reasons is because I’m itching to do more to serve God & make a difference. This is my real passion, & it has often felt like the PhD restricts me & drains me of my time & energy. I do believe that my work is a significant part of my calling, as it gives me opportunities to reach out to people who I may not normally be able to reach. But it’s sometimes hard to see how I’m reaching people when I’m having to work like mad, sometimes by myself. So God revealed to me that my work is my training ground, & the things I’m learning through my work are equipping me for my future callings.
One thing I’ve been learning is to let passion be my driving force rather than fear. I was getting very stressed about the PhD, but I don’t work well under stress at all. I’ve found that working hard out of fear leads to burn out & despair, but working hard out of passion can be sustained. Now some people may think being passionate means you’re always feeling happy & excited about your work, & that this can’t be sustained. But in reality, passionate people are also willing to grit their teeth & make sacrifices for their work, probably more so than those motivated by fear. The actions may be the same for both motivations, but the difference is the reason- fear works hard because it can’t bear to fail, but passion works hard because it believes it’ll all be worth it in the end.
There was a time in 2nd year when I was really pushing myself to work hard, & my motivation was fear, & I resented my work at the time. I couldn’t sustain this, especially when my experiments were not working, & I felt useless & depressed. I realised that now I was scared I’d fall into despair again, & this held me back & prevented me from giving my best for my PhD. Eventually I asked my life group for prayer, then I started to break free from this fear & feel much more positive. God has been giving me insight on how to cope with the workload, & it basically boils down to committing to put God & His kingdom first, staying in the Holy Spirit’s flow & not giving in to instant gratification. Though this is easier said than done!
Isaiah 40v31 describes being in the Holy Spirit’s flow- it’s like soaring on wings like eagles, which fly by allowing the winds to carry them. It describes running without getting weary or faint- this is the kind of energy that I’ll need to complete my PhD well! But I realised I’m like an eagle who is afraid of falling, as it has been broken & damaged before. It’s not that I don’t trust God to catch me when I fall, but I know that I can still get hurt. It’s like lead climbing- I’m not afraid of falling to the ground (I have trustworthy belayers!) but I don’t like the sensation of falling, or potentially getting whacked into the wall! So I’m like an eagle who keeps flapping its wings, trying to do things in my own strength, as I refuse to lose control. But this only wears me out, so I end up falling anyway. So God is challenging me to let go of my control, & to fully rely on Him.
Recently God revealed to me that He gave me an adventurous spirit ’cause He’s called me to be a pioneer. Because my research is quite pioneering, I now know just how difficult it is to be a pioneer. Pioneering is an adventure, but it’s a type of adventure that involves hard work & discomfort, & can be messy, lonely & frustrating. It may appear unfruitful & unfulfilling for a long time, but it can be really worthwhile. This got me thinking about what it means to be adventurous, & I realised there’s a difference between those seeking adventure for instant gratification or an adrenaline rush, & those who pursue an adventure that requires tenacious determination to see the rewards. I believe the truly adventurous people are the pioneers; they find fulfilment in the journey & in giving their all just as much as the end result. I fall into both categories though; I am willing to persevere for my passions, but I also am addicted to instant gratification. I think this prevents me from finding fulfillment in my work, as the rewards are not instant, & only come through perseverence & ‘luck’. Being a pioneering researcher has been very tough, but it has been training me for future pioneering. & I hope I can use what I learn to teach others to find breakthrough & to raise up more pioneers. I believe we’re are called to be pioneers to an extent, as we’re called to make a unique contribution in our lives & our legacy.
I went to a retreat called Hope Fest over Easter, & I knew that it would be a significant time for me. It was very fitting for me that it was being held in an adventure centre called Pioneer Centre! The theme was ‘Thy will be done’, so I knew it would be challenging! God really did some big things in my heart during Hope Fest, & I believe my life is now changed.
During some of the worship times I was crying a lot, as God was doing some inner healing in me. The main thing He was revealing to me was that I had let fears & a mindset of inadequacy hold me back from what He had for me. Though I’ve come a long way in overcoming my fears, I still was gripped by fears of rejection, criticism, failure, etc. These have inhibited me from being sensitive to the Holy Spirit & hearing from Him, particularly concerning things way out of my comfort zone. They have also held me back from dreaming big & from being intentional about sharing my faith. The interviews with Jerry & Marcus struck me ’cause they both mentioned being criticised, yet they chose to persevere, as their passion for God’s call was so strong. & it’s through their perseverence that they were able to overcome & be fruitful in their ministries. So God challenged me, asking me whether I was willing to be uncomfortable, put down, criticised, rejected or make mistakes for Him. He wanted me to come out of my comfort zone, so that I could grow into new giftings, rather than just stick with what I’m comfortable with.
During the last evening of Hope Fest, I experienced a fresh freedom in worshipping God with dancing. One of the songs we sang was ‘Christ is enough’ by Hillsong, & when we were singing the bridge, I felt led to change the words ‘no turning back’ to ‘no holding back’. This was my declaration that I wouldn’t let fear or anything else hold me back in living for God anymore. It wasn’t until after Hope Fest when I discovered that the bridge is actually from a hymn (‘I have decided to follow Jesus’), & the story behind the hymn is quite dramatic (you can read about it here: http://www.hymnary.org/text/i_have_decided_to_follow_jesus). It was the last words of a convert to Christianity in India who was martyred along with his family for his faith. The crowd were so struck by how strong their faith was that the whole village accepted Christ! So knowing this story gives extra meaning to the song; it’s a declaration that we are giving our lives to follow Christ all the way, even if it leads to suffering or death. ‘Christ is enough’ is inspired by the hymn & conveys why we’re willing to live this way- ’cause Jesus is the only one who can satisfy us; He is everything we need. He is more precious than life itself to us. & we seek to say ‘not my will but Yours be done’ no matter what, because we know that ‘it’s only in surrender that we’re free’ (All that I am, Rend Collective).
Later people who felt called to pioneer new outreach/church planting were asked to come to the front. When I heard this, something just clicked in my mind. When God told me He’s called me to be a pioneer, at the time I was just thinking about science, since the PhD was occupying most of my thinking. But I knew there was something more God wanted me to pioneer too, but I didn’t quite know what that was until Hope Fest. So then I went for prayer, & pastor Vincent prayed for me. His first words were something like ‘I think God is saying not to procrastinate!’ I panicked slightly & cheekily thought ‘can’t I wait until I finish my PhD first?!’ But I knew that God would want me to start small, & I didn’t wanna delay God’s plans for me any longer. Later Jerry was asking me about this call to pioneer, & he said that for him pioneering is very fulfilling & where he gets his biggest joy. So that really encouraged me, ’cause my experience so far in pioneering in science has not been fulfilling. I guess some people find scientific research fulfilling, & I hope I will soon. But I realised that pioneering for Christ’s kingdom is the most fulfilling thing, as it leaves a legacy with eternal implications. Even if it’s unfruitful for a long while, I can be assured that I’m doing something that’s really worthwhile.
At the end of Hope Fest I went up to give testimony of what God has done in me over Hope Fest. I knew that overcoming my fears would still be a process, but I was now committed to not letting them hold me back anymore. Hope Fest was awesome but I wasn’t sad about leaving, ’cause I knew the real adventure & challenge starts when I go back to normal life as a changed person! Both me & my brother were buzzing on the journey back from Hope Fest, & I was so happy at how God was working in his life too. When I started back at work after Hope Fest, my mind was buzzing with ideas about my calling. It seems that now I’ve committed to not let fear hold me back, that my dreams that were buried were starting to be re-awakened. Though I’m not so excited about my work at the moment, I’m excited about what God has in store for me both now & in the near future.
“He’s awakening the hope in me By calling forth my destiny, He’s breathing life into my soul I will thirst for Him, and Him alone, He has come like the rain That showers on the barren plain, So my heart and tongue confess Jesus Christ, the hope of man.” – Hope’s Anthem, Bethel.
In Pursuit of Love 